"The Church" (1989, directed by Michele Soavi)
Glancing over the box was a little misleading. I thought I was going to see a Dario Argento film, but it turns out he only produced and directed it. Oh well...
I might have told a few people about my opinion of Italian cinema. But you're most likely not one of them. So, to put it bluntly, I think that Italian films in general have brilliant cinematography, but at a cost of having everything else (i.e. acting, sound, an actual plot, etc.) be put on the backburner or completely ignored. Films like "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" and "Suspiria" are really, REALLY good visually ("Suspiria" is one of the best films--in the visual sense--I have ever seen). However, "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" was complete and utter shit in virtually every other aspect. "Suspiria" was fairly good, although the acting was wooden (the parts were originally written for 12 year olds, but Dario cast girls much older for the movie since he found the idea of brutally killing off preteens a bit too disturbing) and the sound was completely off putting (though I blame the people who did the transfer to DVD for that one). "The Church"--in terms of overall quality--falls in between these two films.
The basic story goes like this: back in the Middle Ages, some inquisitor guy and a bunch of knights massacre a village of supposed devil worshippers, quickly bury them and then build a church on top to keep the evil contained. Fast forward several hundred years and you have Evan (Tomas Arana, you know, that guy who was in "Gladiator" for like five minutes? You don't?), the new librarian, and Lisa who does something involved with restoring the church (never specified). You also have a really old and really creepy bishop (played by Feodor Chaliapin, who played a really old and really creepy monk in "The Name of the Rose"), a priest, a sacristan, a reverend (in a Catholic church???), the sacristan's daughter (played by a then jail-bait Asia Argento) and a bunch of other fairly uninteresting, undeveloped individuals who will eventually succumb to demonic possession or die. What happens is that during some repairs, Lisa finds an old parchment and gives it to Evan, who suspects it has something to do with secrets (think of "The Da Vinci Code") or treasure (like "Raiders of the Lost Ark"). So Evan decides to go dig under the church, unleashing demonic fury and becoming possessed through a cut in his hand (huh?). Later more stuff happens and a whole bunch of people get trapped in the church with no way out and are left to be demon fodder.
The somewhat ludicrous nature of the plot, compounded by some fairly obvious factual errors, made me think that this film would end up being bad but in an entertaining way; and it was up until about halfway through... when the undead sacristan kills a school teacher with part of a metal fence. The very next shot after this is of her students sound asleep in the pews... with NOTHING ELSE GOING ON! What the hell happened to the sacristan after that? And then there's that old couple in the bell tower, and the fate of the pupils themselves. AND JUST WHO THE HELL IS THAT OLD LADY IN THE BLACK SHROUD WHO PRAYS ALL THE TIME!?!?!?!?!?
This pretty much sums up what's wrong with the plot in general: it's half-baked. It feels like crucial parts of the movie are missing and things that come up never get resolved. It must be that Soavi (who also co-wrote the screenplay) decided to forsake any sort of rational plot development and instead focus on creeping us out (half the time, it does creep me out, the other half of the time I'm laughing, particularly at the sequence straight out of "Rosemary's Baby"... no really, it IS straight out of "Rosemary's Baby"). Sure, he can come up with shit that can send shivers down your spine, but coming up with characters whom you can identify with in order to make their gruesome, untimely deaths seem much more horrible? I guess that's beneath him, seeing that he's been lauded as the "new master of Italian horror."
Should I even bother to tell you that the dubbing is horrible? Waaaaaaay too much ADR, even on the actors who are speaking in ENGLISH!
But still, not bad visually...
MY RATING: 5 out of 10 (mediocre)
That's one down, 364 to go!
I might have told a few people about my opinion of Italian cinema. But you're most likely not one of them. So, to put it bluntly, I think that Italian films in general have brilliant cinematography, but at a cost of having everything else (i.e. acting, sound, an actual plot, etc.) be put on the backburner or completely ignored. Films like "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" and "Suspiria" are really, REALLY good visually ("Suspiria" is one of the best films--in the visual sense--I have ever seen). However, "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" was complete and utter shit in virtually every other aspect. "Suspiria" was fairly good, although the acting was wooden (the parts were originally written for 12 year olds, but Dario cast girls much older for the movie since he found the idea of brutally killing off preteens a bit too disturbing) and the sound was completely off putting (though I blame the people who did the transfer to DVD for that one). "The Church"--in terms of overall quality--falls in between these two films.
The basic story goes like this: back in the Middle Ages, some inquisitor guy and a bunch of knights massacre a village of supposed devil worshippers, quickly bury them and then build a church on top to keep the evil contained. Fast forward several hundred years and you have Evan (Tomas Arana, you know, that guy who was in "Gladiator" for like five minutes? You don't?), the new librarian, and Lisa who does something involved with restoring the church (never specified). You also have a really old and really creepy bishop (played by Feodor Chaliapin, who played a really old and really creepy monk in "The Name of the Rose"), a priest, a sacristan, a reverend (in a Catholic church???), the sacristan's daughter (played by a then jail-bait Asia Argento) and a bunch of other fairly uninteresting, undeveloped individuals who will eventually succumb to demonic possession or die. What happens is that during some repairs, Lisa finds an old parchment and gives it to Evan, who suspects it has something to do with secrets (think of "The Da Vinci Code") or treasure (like "Raiders of the Lost Ark"). So Evan decides to go dig under the church, unleashing demonic fury and becoming possessed through a cut in his hand (huh?). Later more stuff happens and a whole bunch of people get trapped in the church with no way out and are left to be demon fodder.
The somewhat ludicrous nature of the plot, compounded by some fairly obvious factual errors, made me think that this film would end up being bad but in an entertaining way; and it was up until about halfway through... when the undead sacristan kills a school teacher with part of a metal fence. The very next shot after this is of her students sound asleep in the pews... with NOTHING ELSE GOING ON! What the hell happened to the sacristan after that? And then there's that old couple in the bell tower, and the fate of the pupils themselves. AND JUST WHO THE HELL IS THAT OLD LADY IN THE BLACK SHROUD WHO PRAYS ALL THE TIME!?!?!?!?!?
This pretty much sums up what's wrong with the plot in general: it's half-baked. It feels like crucial parts of the movie are missing and things that come up never get resolved. It must be that Soavi (who also co-wrote the screenplay) decided to forsake any sort of rational plot development and instead focus on creeping us out (half the time, it does creep me out, the other half of the time I'm laughing, particularly at the sequence straight out of "Rosemary's Baby"... no really, it IS straight out of "Rosemary's Baby"). Sure, he can come up with shit that can send shivers down your spine, but coming up with characters whom you can identify with in order to make their gruesome, untimely deaths seem much more horrible? I guess that's beneath him, seeing that he's been lauded as the "new master of Italian horror."
Should I even bother to tell you that the dubbing is horrible? Waaaaaaay too much ADR, even on the actors who are speaking in ENGLISH!
But still, not bad visually...
MY RATING: 5 out of 10 (mediocre)
That's one down, 364 to go!
posted by Nicolas L. at 8:55 PM
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